Thursday, February 7, 2008

The end of the story

I appreciate all those who took time to read this blog, to participate in the discussion, and to pray for me and my wife. I appreciate the sincere passion of advocates of NFP and the quiver-full movement. If I had held those views when I was single and had looked for a wife who shared those views, it might be possible to follow that way of life. But I came from a family of 4, as did my wife, and we went into marriage with the expectation of having a small number of children.

Since my last entry, I have seen nothing that has changed this conclusion:

I think the only thing that would communicate to her that I am devoted to her in a romantic way would be for me to get the vasectomy so that we can be sexually available to each other without a significant risk of pregnancy and the resulting medical risks she would face.

Nothing has changed her attitude either. I suppose I could be all patriarchal, haul my wife in front of the church's elders on charges of denying me my rights as a husband, and have religious justification for divorcing her and marrying someone who would be OK with no use of birth control. I don't think that would be in line with the law of love.

So tomorrow morning I will have a vasectomy. I am not happy or lighthearted about this, and it seems absurd that I should pay a doctor to damage a piece of equipment that works perfectly.

It also seems absurd to get a vasectomy so that I can have sex with a woman for whom I no longer feel much passion. But I think it is the best thing for our marriage, which in turn is the best thing for our children. Perhaps after she will let us have sex again, the passion will return as well.

MORE: Someone commenting on another blog linked here. The blog also referenced this pro-birth-control comic book from 1956 called "Escape from Fear."


Anonymous said...

I hope the surgery went well for you, and that your relationship with your wife improves.

Kathleen said...

Wow, what a story. I do not believe that vasectomy is a sin, but I will say that I can not see it as God's first or best choice. Your wife is not in biblical submission to you or God. She is only thinking about her self, sorry to say. But there is nothing you can do about that. You are responsible for your relationship with God and your attitude towards her. Your road is going to be harder than you think. This operation may let you enjoy physical pleasure and I believe you did the only thing you could to save your marriage at this point. But your problems are far from over. You are not on the same page and you will have some forgiving to do for her behavior towards you, if you plan on restoring your marriage. I think what I am trying to say is, don't lean back now and think your problem is solved. I only know one example of a similar situation and more challenges will come. Get ready to fight for your marriage even when it seems, it will only be for the kids. With Christ everything is possible.

Lynet said...

"Only thinking about herself??" her life is in danger and you accuse her of being selfish? Shame on you.

michael said...

We too opted for sterilization but, without giving it the thoughtful consideration as you have. We have both regretted it.
When the sterilization was done, we thought we'd feel a new freedom in our sex life. The opposite was true.
Each of us can still remember the days on which each our four daughters were conceived. We remember the bed, the time of day,
our conversation, and the feeling we had for each other.
Since the sterilization, it has never been the same. Oh, the physical part is the same but, the feeling of complete giving to each other and abandonment to God's providence was gone.
On her own, with no prompting from me, she decided to have the clips removed. But, the damage was done and she never conceived again.

In your original post you mention long term abstinance in marriage being a sin and refer to lCorintians7:

5 Defraud not one another, except, perhaps, by consent, for a time, that you may give yourselves to prayer: and return together again, lest Satan tempt you for your incontinency. 6 But I speak this by indulgence, not by commandment.

He does not preclude a "long" time and is clear that this is not a command but, and indulgence "lest Satan tempt you for your incontinency. Look at the fruit of contraception. Since the pill arrived in the late 60's, we've seen increasing infidelity, sex outside of marriage, and divorce
mirroring the increase in contraceptive usage. Talk about Satan's temptation.

Don't repeat my mistake.
Trust in God's and be open to new life each time you come together.

My urologist friend has stopped doing vasectomies years ago and
now does vasectomy reversals.
They've been successful.

May God bless and guide you.

Dr Mike

Jennifer Burdoo said...

May I suggest that, according to your own faith, God may hate sin but loves the sinner far more. In the Jewish tradition, God prefers live sinners to the most pious of corpses (hence why, for example, Jews fought for their freedom on the Sabbath and ate unkosher food to survive). Even if you believe that your act was a sin, consider perhaps that not having committed it might have been a greater one.

I hope you are reconciling with your family, and that this turns out well for you. But if it doesn't, remember that love and honor are always -- always! -- worth the effort. If God exists, I suspect he will care more that you loved your wife enough to sacrifice for her, than that you violated one of his commandments.

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Was your deal with the devil all that you hoped it would be?